Happy Mother’s Day

There’s no experience necessary to be a mom. The pay is minimal and the workload is strenuous. There is heavy lifting involved. Your heart may hurt. Your back and feet will be sore. You will meet a few gray hairs that like to stand out to prove their existence. There are no off days. You may become eligible for a vacation day when you are sick, dead, or the child is now eighteen, and some time thereafter they attempt to come back home as if you need an adult child living with you…

Your duties include, but are not limited to the following:

1. Balance the budget, grocery shops and pay all the bills on time, even if ends never meet, they may be able to look at each other once in a while.
2. Get up late night to care for sick children, even if it is 4am and you have to be at work by 8am.
3. Chauffeur children to every football game, soccer game, karate match, tee-ball practice, dance rehearsal, and play. You are required to be the embarrassingly loud mom encouraging your child from the sideline while screaming uncontrollably with a bullhorn, at least twice per year.
4. Volunteer at school or daycare and participate in all parent activities, even if you are sleepy.
5. You may be required to feed and chauffeur kids who are NOT your own children. Chauffeuring is required spontaneously when other parents disappear without warning. Gas money will not be reimbursed.
6. Wash dishes while simultaneously washing & folding clothes.
7. Iron all clothes & get them prepared for the entire school week.
8. Clean all bathrooms and kitchen, including sweeping, mopping, disinfecting, etc.
9. Help with homework and projects. Please stay up late to check their homework as some lazy children may just “say” they’ve done the work, but haven’t. It is your duty to go back to school with them.
10. Lastly, but certainly, not the least of all your important duties: Have sex with your spouse or significant other because a happy man will help you take care of your duties in #1.

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