Dear Diary

Dear Diary,

I must admit that my mind wandered toward thoughts of another man.  My present situation is beyond unhealthy and borderline insane.  The constant fighting is a foolish problem to have, and my only escape from the nonsense is to dream about being with someone else.  I felt guilty for this at first, but the more I fight with with my husband, the more I ask myself, “Why DID I get married?”

The persons with whom I’m having an affair in my dreams are random people who I’ve known or thought about throughout the years.  Some of whom are celebrities, old friends, or strangers.  Sadly in my dreams, conversation is as far as we get.  Weird, huh?  I’m sure it is considering the fact that in my marriage I can barely complete a sentence or finish a thought without the conversation escalating to 1,000 degrees above the temperature of Hell.  It’s during those times, I don’t mind going to bed because there’s a good man waiting for me in my dreams.  Waiting to make me smile.  Waiting to hear me laugh.  Waiting to hear my dreams, thoughts, opinions.  Waiting to be my friend.  There’s no physical intimacy aside from a hug, touch, or kiss.  Yet I feel so guilty when I awake for wanting to be rescued by my dream lover.

I don’t doubt the love of my spouse.  I just doubt that his negative behavior will change.  It is tearing a hole in my soul that could cause irreparable damages.  For my friends who truly understand my quirky ways, they may simply encourage me to get a divorce or to separate.  I have some strong-willed friends who belittle me for not leaving this obviously unhealthy relationship years ago.  I decided to stay involved in this relationship for the sake of the children at first, but I see that it is tearing down my self-esteem as well as theirs.  I stayed thinking that perhaps spiritual counseling could make it work and to lean on God a little more.  I stayed praying that if he just stopped cheating, focused on our marriage, and loved me more that things will get better.  Unfortunately all I continue to see is an unhealthy marriage growing weaker.  I don’t know how to repair a broken marriage by myself.  There are so many bad days, I can barely hold my head above water to know what a good day looks like.

I won’t stress about my future or worry about the past.  I have to focus on the present and gain the strength needed to live for today.  Dreams do come true.  One day, I will want to be awake more than wanting to be asleep to relax in the arms of a good man who loves me.

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2 responses to “Dear Diary”

  1. Emily Avatar


    First, thoughts of other people – even crushing on them – is natural even in secure and loving relationships. No need to feel guilty about that. Just playing the devil’s advocate here – has your behavior changed in your relationship? I ask this because I was in a similar situation and found something I was doing was playing a role in our problems. As our relationship aged I’d become more critical of his actions and decisions. And he’d become less tolerant of my criticisms. It wasn’t our only issue but it working on that made a big change.

    1. Kim Avatar

      Right, Emily, thinking one will never have romantic or lustful feelings for someone outside their marriage is pretty unrealistic. But acting on those feelings is something else entirely. Once someone heads down that road, some serious relationship examining needs to occur. Are you (and your spouse) getting from each other the things you need and want? Were those needs and wants expressed before the marriage? Has the typical sniping and nagging that happens when relationships age reached a point where one or both of you start really resenting it?

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