If You Must Cheat, Do It Right

I began this as a joke and told a friend of mine I’d prefer guys and gals be on the same page when it comes to cheating. There are too many sloppy cheaters out there, and majority of them are guys. My friend wasn’t happy at first because she said I was giving the secrets away on how women catch a cheater.  Another friend advised me that I was assisting them in NOT getting caught.  I beg to differ.   God is too big for me or the guy whose cheating to slyly get away with anything. So unfortunately, nothing is fool-proof. You will get caught, but it’s only a matter of time after this. Whatever is done in the dark will always come to the light. I just decided to help you through your journey of darkness until you come into your light…

Rule 1:  Remember the lie! Keep it simple stupid or Kiss her behind goodbye.

Rule 2: Ladies and Gentleman too, mostly gentleman, if you’re going to send your “next” a text, do not erase the entire call log or text message log from others. An empty log is a guilty log unless the phone was recently opened from the box…

Rule 3: learn when to open your mouth. Stop telling the details… this is why yo’ homegirl wanna get at yo’ man.

(Guys, this is also is why yo’ pa’tner screwed your girl. She opened HER mouth).

Rule 4: Make sure the ALIBI you provide is verifiable. Don’t include friends in your alibi and they have no recollection of your lie.

Rule 5: Gentleman, unless it’s an inbox Facebook message that is DELETED after the conversation is over (Please ensure that you don’t click the X. Select the menu item to DELETE CONVERSATION), then please limit the FLIRSTY comments on another woman’s page if BY LAW you are not single. Your activity is now monitored via these destructive devices called a Timeline, Technology, Tags, and Subscribers.

For the married men living in community property states… if she catches you cheating, SHE GET HALF even if she wasn’t with you while you was shootin’ in da gym…

Rule 6: Your mistress should be chosen selectively. You can’t just choose a side piece all willy nilly. See Rule 3 for the reasons why.

Rule 7: Never stress about anything.

While you are putting forth so much energy to get to the side piece…don’t worry, your main chic is in the good hands of someone else who decided to help carry your load…

Rule 8: Avoid texting or calls using your cell phone if you and your significant other share an account. Use handy tools like Yahoo messenger, Oovoo, Skype, Tinychat, etc to place voice and video calls. Also, when logging into those applications, DELETE and never use these devices on your home computer. There are programs that can still retrieve deleted messages.

Rule 9: If you must go to a hotel, never use your name or even her name. Your wife is smart enough to pretend to be your mistress’s sister and ask the minimum-wage-paying-front-desk-clerk if she can speak to her. This can occur during a shift change….

Rule 10: She can check your email without having to even log into YOUR email… This is more of a hint for you. #imjustsayin

Disclaimer: Individual results vary. Not responsible for any lost, damaged, or stolen items in the midst of a domestic dispute. Any rule not discussed does not apply should you get caught cheating this week. YOYO: You on Yo Own

Letter to the Other Woman

June 20, 2012

To The Other Woman,

You probably think all my venting posts are in reference to you. You may even assume I live my every waking moment to find out what YOU are doing. In fact, it is quite the opposite. My comments used to be about you years ago, but not anymore.

From having your family members add me on Facebook to discuss my marital issues, to you following me on Twitter “anonymously”, to you befriending my in-laws, to even staying in touch with your partner in crime…. I’ve come to appreciate your stalker actions. They spoke louder than any word ever spoken to me. Sun-Tzu’s The Art of War states, “Keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so that explains why you may have kept up with our life, just as I tried finding out what you were doing. Thankfully, my mind and heart are at ease and I’m thinking clearer.

I learned so much from that experience. I applaud your attempt to tear a family apart, unfortunately what God has joined together, no man could tear apart. You actually brought me closer to my husband after this affair. Our sex life has gotten better and I’m happier than ever. We learned how to communicate our needs, and although we have spats from time to time, we work them out to prevent further infidelity.

I don’t hate you, nor will I ever fault you for your part in this matter. That is in fact YOUR own mistake from which you must learn. On my part, I admit at first in my devastation to deal with “that issue”, I went about it entirely wrong. So verbally and publicly I apologize. I’ll be the bigger person to admit I handled some things unprofessionally and unladylike. I did not like WHAT you did, but I appreciate it making me the woman I am today. I’ve forgiven your partner in crime, so here’s my short note to tell you that I forgive you too. Whether you accept the apology or continue to “do you”…is not in my control anymore.


A Happy Wife

P.S. Happy belated birthday.

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