Love
It’s innocent and pure. Never tainted. It’s not sex or the happy feeling after you have sex. But what if that love you have for your mate could be redirected for a better desire to please them? You may not be one of those people who enjoy public displays of affection. I know some people who gag on watching other couples hug, kiss, or hold hands. That occurs when you’re hiding from love. Then again, that’s my personal opinion. One thing for sure is that those who are completely in love, hold no limits on showing affection. To them, anything goes. Anytime. Anyplace.
Don’t worry if you’ve become that kind of person who just dislikes showing affection. Something emotional is going on with you, so don’t feel bad. Your spouse/mate could have cheated, lied, or broken your heart several times so you have no emotional “juice” left in you to drink from the cup of love. It’s okay. What do you do? Don’t knock someone else’s hustle, that’s for sure. Just because YOU aren’t feeling the love, doesn’t mean someone else isn’t. We all go through emotional, mental, physical, spiritual, and financial issues at different times in our lives. I think personally, God did this for a reason. Why? To get you to interact with others who have been in your present situation. You may not be able to financially pay off someone else’s debt or fix their marriage, but if you’ve dealt with any issues that friends, family, or even strangers are going through, you may be their inspiration to OVERCOME. We all have good and bad days. For a reason. Never kick someone when they’re down because that once was you. Your job whether you interviewed for it or not, is to help someone when they are in need.
I usually did not like to see posts, blogs, statements about perfect relationships, weddings, or “good men”. I thought that was icky. Then I realized, I was unhappy in my own marriage, so who was I to speak negative about someone else’s happiness. That’s not going to change my situation. But what will change me is how I view and how I speak about my situation. It isn’t perfect. Instead of lying to myself that I’m happy when I’m not, I took a leap of faith and discussed my unhappiness with my spouse. I faced my fear and dealt with my own issue head on. I can’t say the same for you as to whether that will help. Who knows whether tomorrow you’ll be feeling those butterflies in your stomach or that your heart will skip a beat when you think about your love. One thing to know for sure is that when your heart is free of fear, you can make clearer decisions. Free your heart. Free your mind. Face your fear. Love… with all your heart, mind, and soul, but you won’t know how to love someone else until you learn to love yourself.
Sex is not love, but rather, it is a mere display of love. You show your mate how much you enjoy them and what you’d like to do in order to please them. After all, sexual gratification can keep you closer, but it isn’t the key to true love. The key to true love begins with knowing how to please them emotionally as well as intimately.
When is Enough, Enough
I asked this question in a therapy session, but didn’t get the answer I wanted. I asked friends and family, but they advised “enough” had been the first red flag during the dating process. Truth is, no one can truly tell you when enough is enough. Only you know your limits and when that final button has been pushed that will cause you to make a change…to either correct negative behavior or to walk away from the drama. In other words, enough begins with you.
First, think about or write down your breaking points, pet peaves, or limits
Everything is easier said than done. If life were that simple, there would probably be no reason to even ask “is this enough?” In my own personal experience, I tend to be too forgiving and too flaky. I switch back and forth on how I want to handle tough situations. Even worse, I continually forgive knowing that I’m going to get hurt again. As I mentioned, during my counseling session, I was advised that enough “was never really enough, but you have to forgive the person as many times as needed.” Of course, I didn’t like that answer, but when given spiritual advice, we never really want to accept the answers given. So as I’m sitting in this session listening to how I should forgive, I’m still thinking, but “when is enough enough?” How many times do I forgive him if he lies? How many times do I forgive him if he cheats or covers up his cheating? How many times do I allow myself to be hurt? Perhaps I was looking for a definitive response so I could contact a lawyer and get a divorce. It’s not that I wanted to end my marriage, but I was tired of being tired of being tired. I dreamed of having affairs myself, but in my own “dream affair” all we did was talk or hang out like old friends. That let me know I lacked the intimacy and friendship that I needed in my own marriage. When dreaming felt better than being awake, I knew I had reached my own breaking point.
Second, discuss those limits with your mate
If you cannot talk to your mate without having an argument or they talk over you, think about adding that to step one. Communication is the key. What you say is important, and HOW you say it eases the blow. Proverbs 15:1 says that a soft answer turns away wrath. If you talked to your mate about a particular heated topic and had valid points, but the way you came across was rude, tactless, or mentally damaging, then your valid points just got thrown out the window. I tell my husband all the time that WHAT you say is usually something I can agree with, but HOW you come across kills the entire message. If you’re trying to get your mate to understand your points of view, then watch the tone and inflection in your voice and even pay attention to the sarcasm behind the tone. In tough negotiations in a hostage situation, in most cases you see that the negotiator is using a friendly tone and friendly approach to understand and change that negative situation into a more positive result. Obviously the goal is to ensure that the hostages are not hurt, so HOW that negotiator handles the deal is important. We tell our kids all the time to use their words or if they don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say it at all. Those rules can be applied in adult situations just as easily as they can be applied in childhood.
Third, make a decision and stick with it
Don’t flake out. Don’t keep changing your mind depending on their moods, the right situations, the timing, etc. Stand firm on your decisions. One thing is certain, whatever decision you make you may dread or you may be relieved. You may feel a sharp pain in your heart or your eyes may water or you’ll get an extreme headache, especially if you make a decision that causes heartbreak. You may even make a decision that has the opposite effect allowing you to get closer to your mate, and falling in love all over again. We hope for the latter, but for the sake of your own emotional health, make a decision that allows you to breathe freely without anxiety, fear, and regret.
Enough is enough when YOU make the call.
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