Husband in Contact With (Ex-)Mistress
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Infidelity Question
for the Week of 05/07/2012 “If my husband continues calling his [former] mistress, is it considered infidelity?” |
This question was asked by one of our visitors. The response, offered by an author who writes about relationships, follows. This is not necessarily the position taken by the owner(s) of this site.
Answer: The simple moral answer is yes, it is still infidelity. When you were married, you and your husband both committed your lives to each other. You declared your love, you declared your trust, and you declared your devotion to one another.
Of course, over time the relationship will have many ups and downs, and one major down is for the husband to have an affair. This is devastating for the wife, but if the affair ceases and both partners decide to move on and still stay together, then they must build their relationship up again from scratch. Trust must be earned again, and both must be open with one another. This is a relationship of two.
If the marriage is to continue, the husband has to sever all communication with the mistress. If he continues to communicate with her, then how can trust be earned? What’s to stop him wandering off again? In fact, if he does continue to communicate with his ex-mistress with no intention of stopping, then it is clear that he does not want the marriage to continue, whatever excuse he may have.
He has committed his life to his wife, but if he intends to break this contract, then he must do it completely. He cannot have both sides. This is completely unfair, and proves that his thoughts are not on his marriage and his wife.
He may not be having sex with his mistress at this time, but the continual communication will keep that door open and he will almost certainly end up revisiting that scenario.
A marriage is more than a sexual coupling, it is a partnership, a deep friendship and of continual caring and devotion to one another. How can any of that exist if there is a third person in the marriage.
It is infidelity, and there is no excuse for it. He must choose between his wife and his mistress.
Editors Note: What do you think? Please comment here, and also tweet this post to your followers so we can find out what they think.
For A Moment
I talked with Jesus for a moment.
We stood at a dark entrance.
It looked like a cave.
His attire was an all-white robe.
I think I was wearing black.
Hesitantly, I said, “Lord if you would let me go back
So that I can fit in somewhere…”
He said, “You don’t belong down there.
You’ve been drafted, and we need you here.”
Stubborn in my former life, and stubborn in my afterlife,
I stopped following him and said,
“Wait, I forgot to give my husband instructions.
He won’t know what to do without me.”
“Don’t worry I’ll give him instructions on what to do.
I hesitated again, “Jesus you just don’t understand.
I’m not good enough for your world and I never fit in down there.”
“No need to cry, my child. I’ve been watching you since birth.
You’ve fit in so well down there,
That God himself asked if you can help Him up here.”
Happy Mother’s Day
There’s no experience necessary to be a mom. The pay is minimal and the workload is strenuous. There is heavy lifting involved. Your heart may hurt. Your back and feet will be sore. You will meet a few gray hairs that like to stand out to prove their existence. There are no off days. You may become eligible for a vacation day when you are sick, dead, or the child is now eighteen, and some time thereafter they attempt to come back home as if you need an adult child living with you…
Your duties include, but are not limited to the following:
1. Balance the budget, grocery shops and pay all the bills on time, even if ends never meet, they may be able to look at each other once in a while.
2. Get up late night to care for sick children, even if it is 4am and you have to be at work by 8am.
3. Chauffeur children to every football game, soccer game, karate match, tee-ball practice, dance rehearsal, and play. You are required to be the embarrassingly loud mom encouraging your child from the sideline while screaming uncontrollably with a bullhorn, at least twice per year.
4. Volunteer at school or daycare and participate in all parent activities, even if you are sleepy.
5. You may be required to feed and chauffeur kids who are NOT your own children. Chauffeuring is required spontaneously when other parents disappear without warning. Gas money will not be reimbursed.
6. Wash dishes while simultaneously washing & folding clothes.
7. Iron all clothes & get them prepared for the entire school week.
8. Clean all bathrooms and kitchen, including sweeping, mopping, disinfecting, etc.
9. Help with homework and projects. Please stay up late to check their homework as some lazy children may just “say” they’ve done the work, but haven’t. It is your duty to go back to school with them.
10. Lastly, but certainly, not the least of all your important duties: Have sex with your spouse or significant other because a happy man will help you take care of your duties in #1.
Forgiving Begins Within
Take a moment to reflect on the pain your significant other caused by cheating on you. Ladies it hurts emotionally to a point where your physical and mental health may be at risk. Gentleman, you never thought your ‘boo’ would do that to you, so right now you are devastated and looking for a solution to this pain.
Most men find a new relationship, drown their sorrow in alcohol or drugs, or become players to mask the hurt. While the drugs, alcohol, etc isn’t safe or healthy emotionally, you now begin an unforgiveness cycle with your new mate. She is now faced with false accusations of infidelity based on your fears or she may too end up getting hurt as you decide to play the field to cover up your hurt inside. Ladies the same can go for us as well. We tend to think also at times that another man can heal that broken heart of ours. While that may be true down the line, you have to heal yourself from within first without anyone else’s involvement. No other woman, and no other man can heal your broken heart. It is too much for them to handle because your pain may be too deep to ”solve that problem”. You set yourself up for failure if you are looking for love and for that new person to make you feel better. They can help in the healing process, but the work starts with inside of you.
If when you close your eyes each day, and still vividly see your partner’s affair in your mind, if your mind starts to race and you cannot seem to erase that pain, you are not yet over the hurt. It’s okay to cry. It’s okay to be angry. The major step for you now is forgiving three people: your spouse/significant other, their ”partner in crime”, and yourself.
You did not cause the affair even if you contributed to the arguments or the disagreements. Your significant other is an adult, and if they decided to make an unwise decision, that is their consequence to suffer, not yours. Do not beat yourself over the head and allow the affair to control your life. You control what happens from this point on. But pain, healing, love, forgiveness, releasing hurt…all starts with you.
The love of money is the root of all evil according to I Timothy 6:10, and we contend that the love of self is the root of all peace.
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