…an Excerpt from “Ask No Questions, Tell No Lies”

Thomas and Jonni stopped when they entered the cafeteria.  Jonni surveyed the room to see if she recognized anyone.  Only one woman caught her attention, but she ignored her.  Darnell’s ex-girlfriend was probably here just getting a prenatal checkup.  Jonni sighed and turned around.  “He’s not in here so I’m going to head to the chapel.  You may want to get Masa some coffee or something to calm her nerves.  If he’s not there, I’m going back to the other side of the hospital in the children’s center to see if Rob’s over there.”

Thomas was in a daze for a moment then he finally stuttered, “Um, yea sure I can.  I’ll, um be there in a few minutes to check on all of you guys.  I’m just going to get something hot…to drink.”

Jonni walked out and followed directions once again, but this time to the chapel.  She knew that only God could help them now.  She had no clue what was going on, but she knew He solved all problems.

As Jonni walked away, Thomas turned around to ensure she’d left the area completely.  He walked over to a woman holding a cup of hot water and opening up tea bags.  “Be careful, or you may get burned.”

“What,” she said turning around to see what stranger was approaching her.  “Ugh, what do YOU want?  I told you, I’m not interested in you and can we leave it at that?  How the hell do you find me?  Why are you just popping up?  I think you’re a stalker…”

“Sharon,” said Thomas.  “That’s my baby you’re carrying, and I don’t know why you are lying to that man telling him that it’s his.”

“You don’t know that for sure.  I told you I had a man when you met me and for all we know,” she whispered.  “He is the father.  If I’m going to be labeled a whore while I’m trying to be in church, I may as well have a baby by someone who is not a minister…”

“I’m not a saint.  I messed up and I want to make it right Sharon.  Marry me.”

“No,” she said.  “Do me two favors.  Can you go to hell and also go away?  Or just plain go the hell away.”

“No. I’m not going anywhere.  I’ve been through too much just to get a woman like you.”

“I’m not your type,” said Sharon.  “I have a man.”

“No you don’t.  He dumped you when you told him you were pregnant.  I don’t know what made you think telling him was going to give you the happy ever after, but it didn’t.  Do you want to be happy for a moment, or for the rest of your life?  I’m willing to make you happy for as long as you walk this earth, woman.  You’re not dealing with some bum ass nigga.  I’m a grown ass man, and I handle my responsibility.”

“This isn’t your responsibility,” she snapped.  “This is my problem.  And I’m not carrying your baby.  We only had sex once, and that doesn’t make you the father of my child.  That just makes you a horny, weak, and sinning holy-roller.”

Dear Diary

Dear Diary,

I must admit that my mind wandered toward thoughts of another man.  My present situation is beyond unhealthy and borderline insane.  The constant fighting is a foolish problem to have, and my only escape from the nonsense is to dream about being with someone else.  I felt guilty for this at first, but the more I fight with with my husband, the more I ask myself, “Why DID I get married?”

The persons with whom I’m having an affair in my dreams are random people who I’ve known or thought about throughout the years.  Some of whom are celebrities, old friends, or strangers.  Sadly in my dreams, conversation is as far as we get.  Weird, huh?  I’m sure it is considering the fact that in my marriage I can barely complete a sentence or finish a thought without the conversation escalating to 1,000 degrees above the temperature of Hell.  It’s during those times, I don’t mind going to bed because there’s a good man waiting for me in my dreams.  Waiting to make me smile.  Waiting to hear me laugh.  Waiting to hear my dreams, thoughts, opinions.  Waiting to be my friend.  There’s no physical intimacy aside from a hug, touch, or kiss.  Yet I feel so guilty when I awake for wanting to be rescued by my dream lover.

I don’t doubt the love of my spouse.  I just doubt that his negative behavior will change.  It is tearing a hole in my soul that could cause irreparable damages.  For my friends who truly understand my quirky ways, they may simply encourage me to get a divorce or to separate.  I have some strong-willed friends who belittle me for not leaving this obviously unhealthy relationship years ago.  I decided to stay involved in this relationship for the sake of the children at first, but I see that it is tearing down my self-esteem as well as theirs.  I stayed thinking that perhaps spiritual counseling could make it work and to lean on God a little more.  I stayed praying that if he just stopped cheating, focused on our marriage, and loved me more that things will get better.  Unfortunately all I continue to see is an unhealthy marriage growing weaker.  I don’t know how to repair a broken marriage by myself.  There are so many bad days, I can barely hold my head above water to know what a good day looks like.

I won’t stress about my future or worry about the past.  I have to focus on the present and gain the strength needed to live for today.  Dreams do come true.  One day, I will want to be awake more than wanting to be asleep to relax in the arms of a good man who loves me.