How To Be A Mistress (To Your Own Husband)

The “other” woman. Who is this mysterious creature who lurks in dark alleys, waiting to pounce like a panther on your unsuspecting and vulnerable husband? Is she really a drop-dead gorgeous runway model, with a sexual appetite akin to a weasel on speed? Chances are, no; unless of course your husband is an equally gorgeous star athlete whose own sex drive can match hers. The common home wrecker is really just as ordinary as anyone else.

“If that’s the case, then why do they exist?” you wonder. Good question, and to answer that, I’ll share a few of our trade secrets with you.

Mistresses don’t have the luxury of a legal security blanket under which to rest their laurels. Complacency, for us, can be lethal and result in being tossed out with yesterday’s newspaper. So, we have to give the relationship everything we’ve got and more.

Have you ever really listened to how you talk to your husband, if in fact, you do talk to him? Is your tone with him nurturing, supportive and genuinely laced with affection? Or is it nasal, undermining and for the most part, disrespectful? When we talk to our men, it’s like feeding them emotional candy. They’re heard, listened to and cared about. We soothe with syrupy little murmurs; we don’t screech like rabid banshees. We would never dream of berating them as they’re coming through the door with a laundry list of things they need to do to keep us happy.

Have a good look in the mirror. If you were a guy, would you want to come home to you? Because our position is so precarious, mistresses always look as good as they possibly can. We don’t greet our men at the door looking like we just finished cleaning a horse stall (i.e. baggy sweats, unkempt hair, etc.) Here’s another hint in the hygiene department. Shag rugs went out in the 1970’s, hardwood floors are in now. Invest in a decent razor, and use it. If you’re attempting to be visually appealing to your hubby, there is no worse turn off than appearing to have a wild animal escape from your Victoria’s Secret lace teddy.

How’s your sex life? Has it become rated in importance somewhere on the list of to-do’s with taking out the trash and feeding the dog? Granted, sex isn’t everything in a relationship, but it is the glue that holds it together (no pun intended). Without physical intimacy, the rest just slowly erodes. It’s usually the lack of nookie that has your husband looking elsewhere; once we have him in our clutches though, we pull out our emotional weapons and keep him. If you can hold his interest, chances are you’ll never have to deal with the likes of us. If sex has become stale, do something about it. Wishful thinking and watching soap operas isn’t the answer. Become as daring and as risqué as you can allow yourself. Meet your hubby for lunch time trysts or arrange to meet him downtown at a hotel for the night. Wear clothes that are visually appealing and seductive; trade your tired pantyhose in for some back seam stockings. Text message his cell phone, leaving explicit details of what you’re going to do to him when he gets home, send the kids to Grandma’s for the night, and then follow through.

One more thing that mistresses have that makes us endlessly fascinating to your husbands; we have a life apart and separate from theirs. Because of this, we can literally spend hours conversing without ever getting bored. If your conversations at the end of the day stop at “What’s for dinner?” or “Johnny failed his math test”, you really need to get out more. Take some part time courses, get a few hobbies, or do some volunteer work. Become your own person, not just a human appendage. Your husband will enjoy your company more if you have a variety of things to talk about.

I already know what you’re thinking. “Why should I do any of this? Where’s his effort?” Sure, it’s a two-way street, but someone has to start somewhere to get the ball rolling. Mistresses, because of the circumstances, always assume a level of uncertainty and instability in their relationships. No matter how good it is, it could be gone tomorrow. If wives around the world thought the same way, and tried harder, there would be a lot fewer “other women”.

© Arlie MacGregor, 2005

Arlie MacGregor is a freelance writer.

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